What Christmas Means to Me

10 years ago, Dec. 3rd, my dad passed away after a short illness & suffering from dimentia for a couple of years.  I've been thinking about him alot lately....especially when I started getting the Christmas decorations out of the basement & putting things up.  Christmas was always so magical when I was growing up, because my parents made it that way.  We were not a religious family, even tho we went to church & Sunday School for awhile & I'm sure participated in their Christmas pageants.  But as far as "the reason for the season", that wasn't the focus in our home...at least not the way I remember it.  Oh yes, we had the manger scene, which I think Mom still has & puts out every year, but that part of Christmas wasn't something that was instilled in me.  Christmas was full of decorations & gifts & parties & snow...a trip to downtown Akron Polsky's to see the magical Christmas windows...& Dad swearing putting up the huge 8 or 9 foot live tree.  When I think back on it, it probably was very stressful for my parents even tho they seemed to love it & it probably took weeks to get it all done. My great aunt always made Santa Claus cookies & when she passed away, we took over the tradition.  They were the best & that was Christmas morning breakfast...usually only one, cause they were the biggest cookie I'd ever seen!  My little brother & I got to decorate the tree in the "rec room" (which would be a family room today).  That was such a treat! Then there were the huge windows in the living & dining rooms that, when old enough, I was allowed to paint Christmas things on them...like wreaths & reindeer & Santa & trees...THAT was a treat.  We always had tons of decorations outside too...like a real red sleigh that was filled with "fake" gifts & a lifesize Santa (I think)...lights all over the house & spotlights & garland & lights on the fence. Then the parties would begin...the family parties & the "adult" parties. To me now, it must have went on all December, which means we started the day after Thanksgiving.  I don't remember shopping, but I remember Mom wrapping & wrapping & wrapping & wrapping on a cardtable set up somewhere... & I remember not being allowed in certain areas of the house cause there were things "hidden".  Christmas Eve was so exciting, getting my jammies on & the milk & cookies ready for Santa & the anticipation of hearing his reindeer on the roof if sleep didn't take over as soon as I hit the pillow.  But Christmas morning, coming down that long staircase, with the bright "spot" light on dad's movie camera blinding me the whole way, I knew the magic was REALLY about to start.  As soon as I turned the corner at the bottom of the steps & saw my grandparents & great aunt & uncle anxiously awaiting & the half eaten Santa cookie & milk gone, I knew the gifts under the tree would be overwhelming....cause that's the way my family did it....even when times were tough, I never knew it...there was always plenty of decorations to put up, gifts to open & food to eat...I was blessed & most definitely spoiled, but that was my parents way. Mom, at 90 stills decorates her place herself, inside & out & if you saw it, you wouldn't believe it....it's still magical & still her favorite time of year.  It has become my tradition to do the same but since this Christmas is going to be different in so many ways, I decorated a little more than usual...not knowing why, but realizing now, that Dad's memory pushed me along & early at that.  It's now all done & I can relax & enjoy it all & remember all Christmas' past...from my childhood through my own kids childhood & know that Dad is watching down over me with a smile on his face,
 saying "that's my girl".  Merry Christmas Dad, I love you & miss you <3

October 14, 1978

33 yrs. ago, on a day much like today, I married my best friend.  The leaves had begun to fall, & so we gathered many & decorated the hall with logs split in half & 3 candles placed on nails & then scattered a few leaves around the log for centerpieces on all the tables.  It was beautiful.  So much of it I don't remember...guess I was in that wedding bliss fog.  Altho, I do remember how happy I was & wanted everything to be perfect....doesn't every bride?  I thought it would last forever...isn't that what the vows were about...forever....loving each other forever?  Of course there were hard times...every marriage has them.  But sometimes the hard times pull you apart & after so many over so many years, the love dwindles.  Oh yeah, you still care about each other, but in a different way.  The spark is gone.  The "being in love" is gone.  It's sad, very sad, especially today & I don't suppose Thanksgiving (which has always been at our house) & Christmas will be any easier.  The kids birthdays will come & go with probably seperate celebrations, but at least they are grown.  Remaining friends is the plan...remaining together, as husband & wife, is not. :(
Yes, it's sad, very sad.

CHANGES

I give advice...sometimes asked for, sometimes not. It's what I do. Some have said I should've been a psychologist/psychiatrist.  People fascinate me. The human brain fascinates me.  I also care...deeply & passionately about people.  Therefore, when friends post comments about changes coming & they are apprehensive about them, I always say, change is good.  I try to be positive for them, because I care.  But change IS hard.  Change IS scary.  Change can sometimes be DEVASTATING.  HOWEVER, change is what you make it.  Just like life.  Life is all about constant change.  We can't expect to remain the same forever.  It's not what we're about.  We were made to change....like the seasons.  As the leaves fall & the air turns cooler, we notice the beautiful exploding colors of autumn.  It's a change we expect...like when the snow falls & everything is silvery white...when the April showers bring May flowers  & then when everything is vibrant & green & the summer breezes begin to blow.  As with the seasons, we can also expect change in our lives...in our children, in our parents, in ourselves.  Change is expected & therefore should be accepted.  And so, we need to learn how to embrace & accept change all the time, as hard as it may be.  My life is changing.  Not necessarily for the good, but how I accept this change & move forward with my life will determine my happiness or lack of.  I have learned that some things just don't last forever...not for everyone.  That is negative.  I must be positive.  Yes, some things don't last forever, but I will not let it consume me, control me, or steal my happiness.  I will not let it devour me & make me into a person I don't like.  I will not let it tear me apart & become bitter.  I will keep my chin up...forge ahead...make my own happiness & move on.  Because, change is good.  I have my health, my children, my mother, & family & friends to support me.  I have resourses.  I have pets.  I have a roof over my head.  I will survive.  I have to.  I will be fine....because, change is good.  <3 <3 <3

GAMES

Oh yeh, I'm a player...bouncing from person to person, taking control of their lives, even if for only a few short minutes or if I'm lucky, a few short hours...making said person squirm & yet beg for more...taxing their brain to come up with acceptable answers that can sometimes only be defined by Webster...sometimes even for small wagers...oh yeh...I'm a player...of Scrabble, Lexulous, Wordscraper...all word games that challenge my ever growing feeble mind to stear clear of dimentia or so I can only hope. Ok..so now you're saying, "Yeh, we know you're hooked...we know you're on Zuckerburg's addictive social network 24/7." Ok...but what you don't know is that I have about 40 games going (remember, to challenge my brain & keep dimentia at bay)....40 games...takes time, concentration...the housework will wait for me...my family members are all self-sufficient...I needn't be available to anyone 24/7 anymore...so yeh, I'm a player...& I love my life! :)

Apologies

I'm sorry...there, that should cover it...cover it all!  I mean if I'm going to start this venture, I might as well apologize in advance for any remarks that may offend you...that way I can just write away & not worry about defending every little thing I have on my mind.  I figure, only those who know me will waste their time seeing what I have to say & those who know me, know I would never willingly insult or hurt any one by saying anything.  Those who are seeking knowledge by reading bloggers unknown to them perhaps will have to endure insulting subjects or hurtful opinions by this newbe, not intentionally, tho.

Ok...so I must add an apology here to my brilliant daughter, who just started blogging herself...only a short time ago...like an hour ago...lol.  No, I'm not copying her. This is something I've wanted to do for some time, but when I inquired about it a couple years ago, I was told it would cost me...so I ditched that idea.  So it was suggested to her earlier today she might start blogging her recipes & such & low & behold, within a short amount of time, she's got a blogging site...wth?  If I was computer savvy, I would have researched this venture myself & figured out how to do it without bustin out my wallet...duh me!

So here I am, with lots to tell, but not tonight...don't want to take away from Lil Tank's blog!

More to come...jus sayin!